Stay

“Life is waiting for you. You might be stuck here for a while, but the world isn’t going anywhere. Hang on in there if you can. Life is always worth it.”
– Matt Haig, Reasons to Stay Alive.

At what point does life get too much for one to continue holding on? This was a question I incessantly dealt with in my nascent stages of battling with depression; at times, during my recovery as well.

When I was struggling heavily with depression, I remembered viewing my world in a shade of grey, metaphorically and literally. Thick grey clouds forebodingly loomed over my skies and quotidian downpours followed. I was just there, standing in the middle of that downpour – cold and soaked from head to toe. Daily, I carried the burden of those clouds in my heart.

Weighted down, life and routines got increasingly harder for me to trudge along. As impossible as it sounds, I could physically feel being weighted down. Some days, I found myself heavily pinned down and debilitated on my bed – no matter how much I begged to be released of those invisible clutches. Most days, I walked around with unbearable weights on my shoulders and my head in flames. Most days, I had to go about with constant aches in my heart – as if someone was tightly gripping and ripping it into two. Every inch of tear came with silenced screams of pain. All of these, veiled with a mask of someone who was trying to show everyone that she was fine.

There were days where sunrays managed to penetrate through the cloud bank, ceasing the downpour. Those days also meant that the warmth of the sun wrapped me in lieu of the blustery cold winds. Just like the warm sun, I shone the brightest on days like those. However, such days were very much evanescent before the storm returned. This cycle of rain and shine continued perpetually. It was as if someone had dunked my head underwater and lifted it up for me to catch a breath temporarily, only to commit the same act again.

At that point in time, I have sought various avenues of salvation – albeit, my mental health condition was considered to be treatment-resistant. Eventually, life got too suffocating to continue living on. I remembered feeling very smothered by life to the point that I was constantly gasping for air. I unceasingly begged to be reprieved of such pain. “I tried. Again, and again. Why has every day got to be this painful?” This thought replayed in my mind daily.

By and by, the pain got unbearable. I had to deal with constant suicidal thoughts during sleepless nights. As time passed, they got more intense and harder to ward off. I just needed an escape. One night, I ascertained the decision to leave. I thought that was the only way out and l was getting tired. So, I prepared myself for it. I started writing farewell notes to the people whom I loved. I then started writing a to-do list of things I wanted to fulfil before I leave. Days then followed, I started numbering my days.

However, as the number got smaller, my to-do list got longer. Every day that I lived, I found something new to look forward to. “A new movie will be released next month. New music is coming out in 2 months. I have to help this friend out. I have dinners to go to. I just made another plan to go out for lunch.” After a while, I pushed my ‘deadline’ further, and further, and further away, until I soon lost count on the number of days left.

I then had the epiphany that, in actuality, I did not want to leave this place, for there are always things to continuously live for. I looked at the farewell notes I had written and realised that there are important people in my life I want to grow up with. I then started searching for things to look forward to daily. It started out small – seeing friends, making lunch plans, catching a new movie or a play. Eventually, I wanted to start living for myself - to recover, to reach my goals in life, to live a fulfilled life… At present, I am trying to complete these things and the list continues to go on.

Recently, I chanced upon said farewell notes I wrote a few years back. I thought about the life that I could have missed out on. I looked back and that girl would not have seen the life I am living now if she had followed through with her plans. I’m glad she stuck through – for she can now live a life doing the things she truly loves, surrounded by people who matter to her. If I could leave a message for her back then, this would be it:

Hey,

I know how painful it is for you right now and I know how heavy life can get sometimes. I understand how unbearable it may be as of now and I know how exhausting it is to fall repeatedly. If you’re thinking of leaving this place to end the pain – don’t. Please don’t.

Look again, outside of your struggles, what are the things that you can look forward to? Your friends? Your goals? Your dreams? Sometimes, we get so enfolded by darkness that we fail to see the world beyond this bubble. Search for a purpose to live for – no matter how bleak the future seems. The ones whom you wrote letters to? They are the ones who would want you to stay. So, please stay. For them, for yourself.

I can promise you that things are going to get better because I’ve seen how you’ve picked yourself up multiple times. The strength you took to rise above repeatedly, you’re going to use it to overcome this.

Life right now is not painful as before. I’m constantly working on my recovery from the moment you decided to pick yourself up again. I’m now able to pursue my goals, dreams, meet new people and stay with the ones I love because you actively chose not to leave. I’m smiling more now and I’m able to because you made the decision to stay. I can’t thank you enough for that – for allowing me to see the world as it is today.

So, stay; because things are only going to pick up from here on. I’m in a much better place now because you made it happen and I want you to stay to see this. Stay. Stay to see what the future holds for you.

Hence, I kept on living. People always ask me, “What is one main difference between then and now?” My answer?

Then, I wanted to leave. Now, I want to live.

- A.M