My Roller Coaster Ride.

Written by Jessica Tang

Disclaimer: this story involves depression, suicidal thoughts and self-harm.

My first three years in secondary school went by pretty smoothly. I was doing relatively well in school and having fun with my friends. However, things would take a very rough turn over the next few years of my life.

My trouble began in Secondary 4 when I started to fall behind in class. I saw myself struggling and pulling all-nighters to catch up with my friends, who appeared to be doing so much better than me. With that, I felt hopeless and frustrated as my constant efforts in studying didn’t seem to produce desired results. This left me exhausted all the time. 

As my ten minute naps slipped into two hours, I would often wake up feeling angry at myself for sleeping too much and wasting precious study time. It came to a point where even my mother suggested that I should attend counselling sessions to help process these difficult emotions. But the stubborn me felt it was no big deal. I didn’t want to appear weak for seeking help and simply dismissed these thoughts.

In my first year of JC, I found myself overwhelmed by the heavy curriculum and couldn’t keep up with the fast pace. This drove a surge of anxiety, which crippled me from focusing on my studies. Consequently, my parents had to be called to school multiple times when I missed major exams due to my anxieties. The sinking feeling that I’d never be good enough followed me everywhere I went. Often I cried in my sleep because I dreaded facing the next day.

Struggling with my mental health, I flunked my first year of JC. The perfectionist side of me grappled with the reality of my situation and the label of being a “retainee” daunted me. I was too afraid of being judged a failure and a loser who couldn’t cope at school. Hence, I lost my self-confidence and was deeply devastated as my wrecked anxieties lingered for the remaining of my JC years.

 Looking back, those were 3 blurry years. My anxieties and depressions were in full force. I didn’t recognize I was truly struggling until I started having suicidal thoughts and urges to self-harm, seeing it as a way to punish myself for my poor academic performance.

My self-harm started with light pinches to my arm, just a little bit. Within a month, I had begun scratching and punching myself till small bruises formed. Avoiding other forms of self-harm, like cutting, was an intentional choice as I didn’t want anyone to notice my scars and find out that I wasn’t alright. I was embarrassed and shameful for struggling to cope with school. 

Days of suicidal thoughts became a part of my world as it just seemed easier than going through all my emotional pain. Losing control of myself in a constant battle against these thoughts, I finally realised I needed to reach out to someone for help as I had reached my breaking point. 

This realization marked the start to my healing journey as I picked up the courage to talk to my mum about what was happening in my life. Together, we spent some time exploring different forms of help and made the decision on arranging a session with a counsellor. It took a few sessions to ease my apprehension about how counselling could benefit me. I needed time to build a trusting relationship with my counsellor and gain courage to be vulnerable in front of her.

By processing my emotions during counselling sessions, I gained self-awareness. It also enabled me to differentiate between helpful and unhelpful thoughts. The belief that my emotions weren’t permanent and that situations can change for the better kept my suicidal thoughts away. Imagining myself outside of the school environment helped me to find hope for the future and identify other goals I could possibly achieve.

Fast forward to present times, I’ve grown to love and accept these struggles as part of my story. Repeating a year of school has taught me to focus on doing things at my own pace and allowed me to relate to my peers with different perspectives. By challenging the stereotypes of being a “retainee” and searching for my own strengths, I’ve found pride in my resilience for getting through that difficult period of my life. While I still have my bad days, I’m able to better manage my negative thoughts and avoid any urges to self-harm.

It wasn’t easy getting to this point of clarity. There were times when I felt that I was stuck and no longer making any progress during counselling sessions. My self-awareness needed to be complemented with the right actions in order for me to see positive changes in my life. That meant taking steps to challenge my thoughts, face my fears and have difficult conversations.

My recovery journey was like a roller coaster ride. But here is what I’ve learned along the way to stay safely strapped in:

1. Be kind and patient with yourself, especially when you feel like you’re making slow progress or taking a few steps backwards.

2. Celebrating and focusing on the small milestones helps to build confidence.

3. Seeking help for your mental health is brave and it builds a supportive community so you don’t have to struggle alone.

I believe that things will get better. Maybe not today. Maybe not tomorrow. But if you keep holding on to hope, it will eventually. 

The End.

This story was contributed by Jessica Tang, a Social Work Intern with Limitless.

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